Letter from Santa 2020
From The Claus Residence, December 25, 2020
Well, well, well….2020 Has Been Quite the Year…
The reindeer are all masked up. Had to rig a new harness to the sleigh this year to keep them all six feet apart. And you should have seen the elves trying to make those Christmas presents! Made them all wear gloves and masks and had to build 12 new assembly lines to keep them socially distanced.
Remember “Ho, Ho, Ho?” Yep. Bit the dust in 2020. Can’t say it this year. Spreads too many germs. Mrs. Claus says to stick with “Hm, Hm, Hm.” Gotta do it with my mouth shut. Where’s this world going?? Hm. Hm. Hm. Sounds like little Joey Biden looking at his ‘To Do’ list instead his Christmas list.
I’ll tell you where the World’s going…Straight down the chimney. That’s where. And there’s a fire at the bottom. Good. Kills those Covid germs! Before I knew what Covid was, little Debbie Birx asked me for a Corona cure. I thought the little tyke was an alcoholic. You know…sneaking brew from her dad’s stash. Needed to go on the wagon, I thought. Told her to join AA. Had the elves fill her stocking with Antabuse. Poor thing. I’ll make it up to her next year. By the way…2021 is going to be GREAT!!!
And that rascal Roger Stone, what a cutey… first thing on his wish list was a Presidential Pardon. Figured the kid must have burped big time. One of them mouth-wide-open belly blasters. Coal…it’s the only answer for wayward kids. Filled the little sucker’s stocking with coal.
Then I get a letter from the Natural Resources Defense Council saying, “Please stop using coal. It’s causing global warming.” I’m looking outside my window at my new palm tree by the waterfall on the glacier. I’m thinking, “Get me one of them Corona’s. I’m going to kick back, wax down my sleigh and catch a wave.” I just got my sleigh rigged up with one of them new V-12 Cobra engines. You ought’ a hear that thing purr. Fired it up last week and that damn glacier receded 15 feet. Hallelujah.
Oh, and little Donny Trump…that cute little bugger…haven’t actually seen him in 70 years. Naughty list this year. Always liked that kid’s hair, though. Brought him a comb and a mirror one Christmas. Biggest mistake I ever made. This year he sent me his Christmas pardon list by mistake instead of his Christmas wish list. I figured that must be all the folks he wanted presents for. Told him he’d have to vote for number ONE on his list. Had the elves make little Donny a Dominion Voting Machine so he could vote. He’ll love it!
It’s the Hugo Chavez autograph model. And, by the way, you know the old saying about making a list and checking it twice? Well, that little Donny Trump had his best friend Rudy send me a special request to recount the list 4 times!
Hm. Hm. Hm.
Well…the Really big Message is that I wish you all a Merry Christmas, a wonderful holiday season and the very best New Year for 2021!
Santa
